Pass the Stuffing and the Grace
Wisdom for Holiday Gatherings
Romans 14:19
The Call of Home
Holidays draw us homeward. Even if we don’t return geographically, instinct draws thoughts and memories back to our people of origin. Generational bonds create kinship, knotted with the emotional tangles of a shared past. Our family relationships vary on a sliding scale, landing anywhere between nurturing and traumatic. Yet even so, the ideal of a happy gathering still beckons most of us with the desire for affection and belonging. However, reality may fail to meet our Hallmark Card expectations.
“The messiness of humankind spills out in every direction—yet still, the gravitational force of family pulls mightily within our inner selves. Can we let love win in our gatherings despite our tendency for complications?”
Family Drama
The inevitability of family drama unrolls from the beginning of time with the first bite of the forbidden fruit. The biblical record speaks candidly: couples blame each other, brothers fight, siblings compete for family honor, wives, mothers, and sisters manipulate behind the scenes, fathers fail to lead and protect, and children rebel. The messiness of humankind spills out in every direction—yet still, the gravitational force of family pulls mightily within our inner selves. Can we let love win in our gatherings despite our tendency for complications?
In one chapter of my own family drama, I learned a wise strategy from my husband to navigate family dynamics. To quote one of his famous one-liners: “Make it a positive.” When my dad remarried after my mom died, “positive” seemed like a mountain to climb, especially during holidays.
I struggled for years with adjustments to my blended family connections. As I wrestled with grief, I also entered the touchy territory of integrating with my father’s new relations. Of course, sensitive feelings magnified during the holiday seasons with competing and merged celebrations. Old memories and traditions smashed into new, creating a messy emotional mash-up. As I felt sucked down into a quicksand of impossible expectations, my husband’s hand reached out to grab me and boost me up. His advice: meet each encounter with one simple goal—try to make it a positive outcome at the end.
Wise Advice
Keeping it simple allowed me to focus on just one thing when conflicting emotions swirled within me. In practice, this meant finding an attribute to appreciate in each person. It meant seeking non-controversial and enjoyable conversation topics. It meant considering the perspectives of others and leaning into compassion. Most of all, it meant relief. I could relax knowing that one awkward meal, one misplaced remark, or one compromise forced upon the sacred holiday menu, need not spiral the whole event into a loss. I could still claim the final prize of leaving on a positive note.
The apostle Paul, one of the most insightful Bible writers, offers his own one-liner that undergirds my husband’s:
‘’So then, let us pursue what promotes peace and what builds up one another.” (Romans 14:19)
Bolstered by wise advice and biblical instruction, I realized I need not succumb to my pessimistic expectations. I could pursue peace even though I mourned. I could hold my mother’s memory close as I also chose to enjoy the presence of the people around me. I could claim a win by “building up” and choosing to bless instead of resent.
Make it a Positive
We gather because our hearts call us toward home to the circle of people who share our history. They have contributed to our identity, both in the struggles and the building up. Through disagreement and misunderstanding, loyalty and perseverance, our life stories weave a bridge with the generations connecting us. Thankfully, our feasting and laughing temper rough edges and refuel any extra demands on endorphins. If careless words spill, we can quietly sweep them away in grace. If we embrace wisdom over wounding, the final balance may lean toward an enjoyable time in the end. Pursuing the positive allows us to depart with an armful of holiday bounty—yummy leftovers, fresh memories, and a renewed sense of belonging.
How will you “make it a positive” at your holiday gathering?
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